Grown Up!

I have the blessing (sometimes the curse) of looking like a little child, and I suspect that's the way it will always be. People easily mistake me for a school girl. Sometimes it gets irritating with people being so shocked when I say that I don't go to school or College and that I work and I've been working for five years.

Today I looked to my image reflected in the mirror all dressed up with the Vogue sunglasses and the styled hair. and all I saw was a young girl, pretending to be a grown up. I've always blamed my good genes , I got it from both side of the family. but today i find it necessary to cast the blame on myself. before demanded to be taken seriously I should take myself more serious. I should stop viewing myself, as a Kid, should stop convincing myself that my life haven't started yet. most importantly should stop thinking along the lines "when I grow up I will ....."
I might Look young but I could easily stop feeling so young.
I know in my heart I will never do. I will die thinking that my life hadn't start yet, thinking that when I grow up I will do .... important stuff.

Obsession

I am an obsessive personality , it's something most people miss about me. Mainly because I hide it. sometimes close people see hints of that , they don't know that everytime I mention/do something and it seems a little bit obsessive to them that I probably thought at least dozen times about talking about/doing it, but stopped myself. what torment me the most is the thoughts they refuse to leave my brain they go back and forth for what seems at times forever. you can never control your thoughts. my obsession had always seemed harmless, if you didn't count the constant headache and always getting lost in thoughts (and looking it).
but lately that idea slowly crept to my mind, what if I lost one of my parents or both of them?
It's a cliche every 5 years old that experience death in the family ask him/herself that question at night before going to sleep. maybe that's why i never tried to stop that though. I simply use to say that I'll manage and it can't help to dwel about it now. they will go when it's there time to , hopefully that won't be for a very Long time.
slowly but steadily this answer started not to be enough, what if I lost them both in the same day? apperantly the odds of that is higher than I've ever imagined. so the fear started to get bigger and bigger till it started to swallow me inside, at first it was sometimes , then more often , then every waking moment now it even haunt me in my dreams, I dream of their death daily, I cry when I am alone. It starting to feel very creepling. as usual NO ONE knows about these fears.
I know that we shouldn't let the fear of death stop us from leaving and I know that people die when it's there time to go, nothing can change that, I know that we as human can cope to death better than we think we can. I know all the cliches and I know that they are cliches becasue most of them are correct. but that can't stop the tears or the nasuea or the fear.
I don't know if being obesseive is the reason , why a normal fear, is turning in to phobia or is it something else. but all I know is that am scared, funny how I don't fear my own death like that.