I’ve always thought of myself as a shy person. But lately I’ve discovered the truth. I don’t like talking to strangers NOT because am shy (which is pretty much what I thought my entire life) . But because I HATE talking to people.
As odd as that may sound, I just don’t like to talk to people, not over the phone and defiantly not face to face. People I find it harder to talk to are those who I know vaguely but see constantly like relatives, colleagues. It’s not only the chit chatting but any form of talking .
I know for a fact that I could advance in my career so much better if I got over that. I could’ve easily became friends with the head of the organization I work in , although he doesn’t know the names of most people , not only he knows my name but we have constant contact but I hide if I saw him in the corridor I don’t have to talk to him or even greet him.
Also ANYTHING that have to do with contacting other people takes me a long time to do it not because I forget or don’t have the time, but because I just don’t wanna talk to people. Of course that’s all forgotten if you got me angry. If anyone got me angry than he/she only have themselves to blame.
I’ve also came to realized that I have fear of intimacy.
For a Long time I kept telling my family that it’s normal that I don’t like to be touched (am talking casual touching, nothing creepy) I don’t like to share my bed with anyone, I don’t like it when am sitting and the arm of the person next to me is touching my arm . Human body heat sucks. That’s physically
Emotionally, I’ve been told on various occasions that I am distant, emotionless and cold. But I know am not, but do I act this way? I don’t miss people. If someone’s not in my life then I am not thinking in him/her. I’ve never been in love, never met someone and thought, I’d like to meet someone like him.( Am I too picky or am do I have fear of intimacy.) I don’t share my feelings with ANYONE. That was the whole point of blogging but I still find it hard to say what I REALLY think.
After reading what I wrote, it’s no wonder am always complaining from feeling of loneliness. I am pushing everyone out. Then wondering where the hell did everyone go!
C’est la vie
