The Way I view myself

every one of us has a self image, not only a physical one but also about the way we are. some people think of themselves as relaxed, angry or whatever. but usually that's not the people's same perspective.
I've been shocked lately with the fact that People perceive me so differently from the way i perceive myself, and I think they are mistaken I am not what they think , I am not too serious, unemotional , snob, uptight, cold and cruel person. I am light-hearted, shy, nice, hot-tempered person who has a sense of humor.
sometimes I realize why people perceive me in a certain way. like how they mistake the fact that I am shy with the fact that I am a snob.
but other times it comes totally unpredicted and it bothers me. someone once said that it feels good to be not understood to feel like the lonely lost soul in the world. but I don't like how that feels. i have to admit that I am lonely, sad and misunderstood. I once was told that I would always feel that alone because i like to drive people away.DO I ? Maybe I do? or Maybe I simply want them to try a little harder. I want to feel appreciated, I like to feel people I care about intruding into my life. but maybe I am making too hard , maybe I am asking too much from people.
I am drifting away from the original point of the post I seem to be doing that a lot.
but I still have things unsaid that's why I won't end it here, I'll try to get back on track.
Sometimes I think the difference in the way i view myself and the way people view my is so huge because I am not Honest with either.
99% of what I say is BS that i don't mean. but 99% of people around me don't seem to know that simple fact and the 1% that does don't know what to think anymore.
I think I've been lying to myself for a long time 2. That is the main reason of this blog it's an attempt to be honest , with my self and with people around me. that why I am staying anonymous , as much as i can. that's why i am keeping minimal personal stories, but i am human so sometimes I would give in to the pleasure of reminiscing.
on a final note I bet every psychotic, crazed SOB had uttered the words I am just a lonely lost soul in this world, I am just misunderstood.


P.s I didn't draw this I ripped it off from www.dva.gov.au/health/menshealth/04_bloke.htm
Thanx to Google search

Happy Christmas ??

First of all,
I'd like to wish you all
Happy Eid
Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah and
Happy New Year.

How come Christmas, is the only holiday that gets a Merry not Happy .

anyways Christmas is nearly here, it the shopping season, it's the season to be jolly.

I am a huge junkie of Christmas movies, they are just so damn... Happy. I've been called a lot of things in my life but happy is definitely not one of them. but somehow the Christmas spirit ALWAYS gets the best of me
I'll leave you with my all time favorite Christmas song

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

'Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our gay apparel,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Toll the ancient Yule tide carol,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazing Yule before us,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Strike the harp and join the chorus.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

While I tell of Yule tide treasure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fast away the old year passes,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Sing we joyous, all together,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Heedless of the wind and weather,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Schizophrenia is not Multiple Personality disorder

This is a piece of information I've known for a long time now, just like that Frankenstein was the name of the doctor not the monster. but still, I think it has something to do with that everyone gets it wrong they wouldn't get me if i got it right, and I thought I was above that.
Usually I am above the hype everyone who knows me will tell you i am different, not necessarily unique, just different ,i sometimes yearn to be like everyone else, so maybe that's my shout toward norm! and yet again maybe not.
I am so off topic, i need a map. LOL. anyhow I Once wrote post named A message to the OTHER in it i wondered whether i am Schizophrenic or not i should have wonder whether i have Multiple Personality disorder at least that what i meant.
I think I really am Schizophrenic, one of the huge symptoms is delusions and hallucinations , I am a master of Hallucinations and delusions, I've watched the Trueman show , and ever since then i have this theory that says that Like Trueman there are people who are watching me and taping it on a secret TV, does that sound crazy? My other totally beliefe that and always suppress these ideas as fast as they pop out, well i have my reasons once when I was 12 I was sent flowers that didn't say who sent them, then later on in various occasions people actually knew who i am and i had no idea who they were, it's like am a small town celebrity except i don't live in a small town and there is no reason why i should be a celebrity.
I've never said that to anyone before, I might be crazy but the other is DULL. which you think is worst!

I Know

Sometimes you can glance at something and just know for a fact what will happen next, you keep an open mind, claim you'll take your chances. All the while you just now it won't go on, but you play along, waiting for the charde to be over, and when it does, you smirk and say "I already knew,"

A message to the OTHER

I am a person locked inside a person we are both real, but yet we are both fake. I came to this blog seeking my freedom, freedom from that person’s control, the first blog was my idea my vent, but slowly it was crept into, inch by inch I was kicked out, then suddenly am left stranded shaking in the middle of nowhere, suddenly it wasn’t about being anonymous it was about making friends and getting approval suddenly it wasn’t about ME it was about the OTHER.
So here I am in my newly formed blog with nothing to relate us to each other, my own space, to find rules and blogs I am allowed in and blogs am not, I can’t comment at any of the friends the other have or even their friends, we can’t read the same blog we can’t comment on the same blog we can’t know the same people, even before I am completely at home at my new blog am being driven out, AGAIN! But this time I won’t let that happen, I will comment where I want to, I’ll know whoever I want to, the OTHER is not important anymore it’s about me for once.
I don’t want to play nice any more I don’t want to get people approval, I won’t be polite anymore I’ll be rude and question every thing. I will be who I won’t to be I don’t mind meeting the OTHER online, I am tried of being suffocated of feeling that the planet isn’t big enough for both of us, so I will discard every care toward the OTHER feelings and be completely free like I originally planted it and if the OTHER don’t like it then , it’s free to leave, see if I’d care

I am not schizophrenic, or maybe I am.

ALONE!!!!???!?!?!?!

Have you ever been abandoned in the middle of a deserted and scary road dumped by the only person you trust, the only person “you thought ”you can count on the person that’s been always your safe haven and suddenly that heaven turns in to hell and that trust turn in to a sea of doubt and mistrust suddenly you are left stranded lonely and scared, shivering and crying for help you are certain you’ll never get. To feel like your brain is about to explode and your heart is burst into a million of little pieces that you can no longer see because they are so tiny and far apart?
Have you ever understood why people commit suicide have you ever understood how sweet would it be, to taste the eternal kiss, the gift of total darkness and the bliss of the everlasting sleep,
Have you ever saw the whole world so dark, so large. You know how does it feels to be so tiny in a large dark world? to feel that you just want to sleep away your life?
I did , I do, if you’ve never, then welcome to my world

I am not Cold but I won't Fall

I don’t believe in love from first sight, I don’t believe that love is the higher , stronger emotion ever! Unless we are talking about parent and child love.
Love (as an emotion between 2 peers in a romantic way) isn’t real, at least not the way people think it is loved don’t climb mountains, it don’t change people and it defiantly don’t conquer all.
Love is an emotion we control with our heads before anything, people who say love is blind are liars cause love is NOT blind they are, more specifically they CHOOSE to be.

I’ve never had a crush, a flirt, love. All those years in my life I’ve never loved someone (in a romantic way)
I might be cold but I don’t think so I adore my family and I’d do nearly anything for them. But I have a head over my shoulders that think and calculate every time I meet someone new I have 2 mental lists (and he’d fall into one of them) , people I might love people, I would never love. The people I might love list is a list of people I’d be willing to give a chance if they ever approach me.
Again I don’t think am cold, I just have a head I choose to use like people choose not to.
The person you choose to spend your life with is the person that determine how you are gonna spend the rest of your life (even if you left him/her afterwards).
I don’t think am better than anyone I think anyone can simply choose not to let him/herself fall in love. Simply by using what God gave all of us “Our heads” so we no longer Fall in love but we simply jump in to love and before we jump we must look very well.

It might still blow up in our faces but at least it won’t be such a mess.
More love stories fail than those that work because people who don’t use their brains and can usually invest long years in a relationship that‘s so lousy that anyone can see it, they do it in the name of love , Just delaying the inevitable but never deleting it.
This is why I don’t believe in love form first sight or that love is blind or any other cliché, but I know for a fact that at the moment I find the right person to love, I’ll open the dam gates and get him emerged in feelings of love until then I’ll say
I’ve never fell in love, never had a crush, I am not cold but I refuse to let myself fall in love

The crystal Part in me at last finds it’s Voice

I’ve always thought of my heart as a piece of crystal hidden away in a wooden box this is why I seem so thought while am weak inside but as I grew older I realized that the wooden box is merely a glass case so vulnerable and Visible my core is. So I ignite a fire of anger and mistrust around in an attempt to hide it away of people’s eyes. And I think in part I succeeded at least for people far enough but if anyone looked close enough they’ll see it clearly that’s why I shy away from the physical touch of people especially close ones, cause I fear that if I let them touch me they will know how weak I really am and how longing I for their Touch.

But sometimes it gets so lonely inside the glass case, it’s hard to see people but not be with them to be totally isolated behind the fire and glass. To seem to have a lot of people around me and be totally alone

But it gets easier because as time goes by I learn to care less about people and only focus on me, the only problem with that thought, are the people who are already in too deep.

People whom I already am not locked with feelings about them, feelings I can no longer process nor can discard.

This is why still at times I feel alone.

I want to be free, free from feeling love, guilt and more importantly loneliness, if I just can repress all my feelings like I do with my feelings toward other people, I’d be happy.

Cause only after I get raid of ALL my feelings would I be stronger and Happy and most defiantly truly FREE.

Monday 21 July 2008-07-28

1:41 AM

Who Am I?

I am a person Locked inside a Person, but at last I found my voice, the person am locked inside isn't important that person has a blog. but this blog is about me.
At last I found a voice to say what i want my thought and feelings