I’ve always thought of myself as a shy person. But lately I’ve discovered the truth. I don’t like talking to strangers NOT because am shy (which is pretty much what I thought my entire life) . But because I HATE talking to people.
As odd as that may sound, I just don’t like to talk to people, not over the phone and defiantly not face to face. People I find it harder to talk to are those who I know vaguely but see constantly like relatives, colleagues. It’s not only the chit chatting but any form of talking .
I know for a fact that I could advance in my career so much better if I got over that. I could’ve easily became friends with the head of the organization I work in , although he doesn’t know the names of most people , not only he knows my name but we have constant contact but I hide if I saw him in the corridor I don’t have to talk to him or even greet him.
Also ANYTHING that have to do with contacting other people takes me a long time to do it not because I forget or don’t have the time, but because I just don’t wanna talk to people. Of course that’s all forgotten if you got me angry. If anyone got me angry than he/she only have themselves to blame.
I’ve also came to realized that I have fear of intimacy.
For a Long time I kept telling my family that it’s normal that I don’t like to be touched (am talking casual touching, nothing creepy) I don’t like to share my bed with anyone, I don’t like it when am sitting and the arm of the person next to me is touching my arm . Human body heat sucks. That’s physically
Emotionally, I’ve been told on various occasions that I am distant, emotionless and cold. But I know am not, but do I act this way? I don’t miss people. If someone’s not in my life then I am not thinking in him/her. I’ve never been in love, never met someone and thought, I’d like to meet someone like him.( Am I too picky or am do I have fear of intimacy.) I don’t share my feelings with ANYONE. That was the whole point of blogging but I still find it hard to say what I REALLY think.
After reading what I wrote, it’s no wonder am always complaining from feeling of loneliness. I am pushing everyone out. Then wondering where the hell did everyone go!
C’est la vie
3 comments:
you just have to get down to the "why" of it all. As much as I dislike the human kind right now, the smartass who said "no man is an island" is in some way correct. =)
the whole problem is I no matter how hard I try I can't figure out the "why " part. and I really beg to differ a man is an island, for althought we need each other every human is alone, it's how we are born and how we die
well at least you aren't shy like moi , which is annoying as you want to talk to certain ppl but you're just shy so you wont.
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