it's my life

It's between me and God. That's the word you here from everyone. When they do or want to do something unaccaptable religion-wise. Which I guess, is mostly true. BUT when that someone is a little bit close to you, doesn't that affect you in a way and affect the way you consider them. Like a veiled girl taking it off or a christine girl marring a muslim. I might me close minded or selfish but I am sorry, "it's my life" and "it's between me and God" just don't cut it me, when u r that close to me. If it's a decision that's not open for debate , then expect a reaction. Don't expect indifference or an undieing support when I think you are screwing up. I promise that I will try not to be mean, I'll try to consider your feelings. But I will never understand, how you can be so stupid. But I need to be heard so I would be able to go on being ur friend. But if u will shun be behind those over-used cliches. Then expect nothing but total indifference or even worse I might choose to leave and if questioned I'll probably answer, "it's my life" or even"it's none of you business"

Trying to understand me

I’ve always thought of myself as a shy person. But lately I’ve discovered the truth. I don’t like talking to strangers NOT because am shy (which is pretty much what I thought my entire life) . But because I HATE talking to people.
As odd as that may sound, I just don’t like to talk to people, not over the phone and defiantly not face to face. People I find it harder to talk to are those who I know vaguely but see constantly like relatives, colleagues. It’s not only the chit chatting but any form of talking .
I know for a fact that I could advance in my career so much better if I got over that. I could’ve easily became friends with the head of the organization I work in , although he doesn’t know the names of most people , not only he knows my name but we have constant contact but I hide if I saw him in the corridor I don’t have to talk to him or even greet him.
Also ANYTHING that have to do with contacting other people takes me a long time to do it not because I forget or don’t have the time, but because I just don’t wanna talk to people. Of course that’s all forgotten if you got me angry. If anyone got me angry than he/she only have themselves to blame.
I’ve also came to realized that I have fear of intimacy.
For a Long time I kept telling my family that it’s normal that I don’t like to be touched (am talking casual touching, nothing creepy) I don’t like to share my bed with anyone, I don’t like it when am sitting and the arm of the person next to me is touching my arm . Human body heat sucks. That’s physically
Emotionally, I’ve been told on various occasions that I am distant, emotionless and cold. But I know am not, but do I act this way? I don’t miss people. If someone’s not in my life then I am not thinking in him/her. I’ve never been in love, never met someone and thought, I’d like to meet someone like him.( Am I too picky or am do I have fear of intimacy.) I don’t share my feelings with ANYONE. That was the whole point of blogging but I still find it hard to say what I REALLY think.

After reading what I wrote, it’s no wonder am always complaining from feeling of loneliness. I am pushing everyone out. Then wondering where the hell did everyone go!
C’est la vie

AM Back & a Tag

5 month Later I am back.
and Like I always say I hope I am back for good.
Still catching up on blogs seeing what happened in these last month. Congrats to Slop for getting married. and 4 Brownie for finally having the chance to visit her home country.
As usual insomniac brought tears to my eyes with her posts so am trying to read it slow (don't wanna cry at work) so am not sure if there is anything new with her.
O! and I just discovered a Tag from slop so I'll do it now

Here goes nothing

8 things I'm looking forward to:

1- To Travel outside Egypt
2- To Have Tons of posts in this blog
3- To have some change in my life
4- To stop being soo negative
5- to stop trying to understand myself
6- I much as I pretned I don't, I can't wait for my first love, where the hell are you, you a$$hole? get here already
7- Finishing this tag
8- posting this tag

8 Things I did Yesterday:

1-went to the dentist
2- found the curl activator I was looking for, since forever
3- got stood up by my cousin
4- bought some stuff for my mom
5- watched tv

8 Things I wish I could do:

1- fly
2- buy a BMW
3- Give my dad a fortune
4- read people's mind
5- Travel outside egypt
6- Lose some weight
7- absorb other people's power, like that dude at the show heroes
8- Sing on tune and in a good voice

8 Shows I watch:

1-Heroes
2-lost
3-prison break
4-CSI
5-CSI:NY
6-CSI: Miami
7-Super Nature
8-The Simpsons

And the list goes on

8 Things I love:

1-My family
2- writing
3-Music
4-My books (reading)
5- MY New G1 Mob
6-My friends (I think)
7-My freedom
8- MY Job (sometimes)

8 Bloggers I tag:
I dunno
anyone who reads this
:D

The Third (Tag)

THE OBLIGATORY PART: Go to your favorite search engine and enter your FIRST name and the word NEEDS in quotes (" [Your name] needs”), and see what comes up. List the first 10 sentences that make sense and then tag some of your friends - and don't forget to tag me back too! I followed instructions -this is what I got...


needs help but she is like a monkey given a dagger (that's just plain rude)
needs to attend nursery school and receive support with transition (No I really don't )
needs contact with other children and support to counter trauma of separation and return (no I don't)
needs her Zac Efron (who!)
needs a dose of lecture (I know I don't, or maybe I do)
needs your help (2tbara3 wallaw be gna)
needs ______ (don't worry! I don't know what I need either. )
needs not to wait too long. (To do what?)
needs to go see a shrink more than a fertility clinic (yeah I guess I do need a shrink but what does the fertility clinic has to do with anything)
needs at least the support of 30 families to provide about $100 a month on a regular basis (That Would be Nice, 2tbara3 wallaw be gna )

OK , it's revenge time, LOL just kidding, I tag zee puppet , gjoez and Ice queer.

The second, (Tag)

I saw that tag at Brownie, and I liked the way she answered, I liked her even more than I did before, Like the nice person she really is she didn't tag anyone, because that tag is a pain in the .... Neck.
but then she tagged me because .....
I have no idea why she did that but here it goes.

1- I am the moodiest person you can ever meet, this it makes it hard for me to answer any question of what your fav anything or what would you do if cause most times it's about mood.
2- I allow people to push me over a lot, but if I don't want to do something, I usually won't do it no matter who asked me to.
3- I have very low self esteem but I cover it well, with a lot of bull$hit about being a great person and loving my self
4- My dad was an accountant here in Egypt but now he drives a cab in NYC, I used to say that to all my friends proudly in school but now am ashamed to admit that I don't tell anyone in work what my daddy does.
5- My mother's Father was a Millionaire but when he died my mom didn't 90% of her inheritance, the usual of her brother ripping her off.
6- My mom was 28 when my dad left for USA, my siblings were 6, 4, and 8 month old I was 5.
7- I am a facebook addict, I have been at facebook since the late 2004 early 2005.
8- I like to visit people's blogs and not leave a comment and pretend I've Never been there, although it's a little bit stockierish I can't help it, I am curiouse by nature.
9- I hate it when people say I am a seriouse person, cause I used to consider myself funny, but lately I am begining to understand their point of view.
10- I wasn't always this selfish, but I think being the center of my own universe, I think it's my twisted way to over come my low self esteem
11- Although I mainly like to keep to myself I am very talkative and I go on talking forever.
12-Although I claim I want to change but deep in myself I am ok with all my faults.
13- My first (and Only) crush with to a guy I only saw for a week and after he left I wished that I never wanna see him again, becuase I didn't like the way he made me feel (happily , giggly and like a school girl)
14- I resent my parents a little because they blow their collective life away so they would make us happy.
15- I didn't know I resent my parents.
16- I feel most of the time that I am not in on a huge secret concerning life as a general.
17- I believe that I might go crazy one day.
18- I hate to admit that I am wrong (even to myself)
19- Lately I've started to believe that this blog is really therapeutic and when I write a post concerning any issue, it stops bothering me.
20- I can't wait to experiment life.
21- I believe that whether I died now or 50 years later, nothing in my life would be different
22- I don't resent the fact that am 25 and still live with my parents. I don't feel smothered by their love and I try not misuse the trust they gave me
23- I don't have a curfew but if i came home near midnight it drives my mother crazy.
24- I love singing along while driving even though people usually look weirdly to me and in summer when the AC is on they think am talking to my self.
25- I've changed a flat tire for my cars more times than I could ever count.

At last am done, Originally I intended to only write one line sentences and not talk about my family, but at the end I couldn't help myself.

Anyways, that's the tag people and like brownie I tag anyone who wanna do it. knock yourself out

Apology

Yesterday I let someone down, someone I not only care about but also respect tremendously. That person came to me, confided in me bare the inside of her soul to me. What did I do? I undermined, mocked and disregarded her feelings. Every mean word I said I knew I’d regret later, I could see I was hurting her but that didn’t make me stop, I kept going until she begged me to stop, she didn’t beg me just once but twice even then I didn’t want to stop, I could see her in dignity trying not to let her tears drop , then I acted as if I have every right to be angry at her reaction. What kind of a person would do that to a loved one? I know, a very selfish person.
I must apologize not to ease the guilt (the guilt is the less I could handle after what I’ve done) but because that person doesn’t deserve this from me. It would be so easy to print this out and give it to her to read, but that would be the coward’s way out. She deserve a full apology a face to face one, one that’s not filled with excuses why I was such a bi@tch, but filled with regret and I need to own the blame and stop throwing it on everyone else. Would I change? I don’t know but I know that’s it’s about damn time I stop talking about changing and start working on it for a change.

Bordom ?

I've been in this weird a$$ mood for way too long. I am tired of EVERY ONE around. that include friends and family. I hardly Have the Mood to interact with virtual friends. I MAKE my self post coments.

it might be depression, but what is really annoying is I have no reason to be depressed about. I am being a spoilt brat who's bored. such bordom is the thing that makes people do crazy , dangerous stuff.

I have nothing else to say. no I do, but I lost intrest in saying them.

I am 25 do you think am too old to run from home? that sounds dumb.

I don't want to post this cause that would make me feel stupid, but i will. hopefully all this feelings will be out of my system

My Very First Tag

I was Tagged by Umslopagas. and this is officially my first

favourite Colour: Black

Favourite Perfume (Guys) : Don't have one

Favourite Perfume (Girls) : Huge Deep Red

Favourite PJ brand: don't use them

Favourite Clothes Brand: don't have a fav, but if i have to, then it's esprit .

Favourite Person in the Entire World: Someone from my Family

Favourite Country: Spain

Favourite Car: BMW

Favourite Sport: I don't like sports

Favourite Sports Player: -

Favourite Spot in the World: My Bed

Favourite Animal: Horse

Favourite Movie: an interview with a vampire

Favourite Singer: Don't have any at the moment

Favourite Day of the Week: Thursday .

Favourite time of the day: Dawn if am awake and outside, or else Night

Favourite holiday season: Christmas (it's not exactly an official Holiday Season in egypt)

Favourite number: 2

Favourite food: Pizza

Favourite chocolate: Dark ones

Favourite Cartoon:The Last Unicorn

Favourite Blogger: Um

Favourite Icecream Flavour: Mucha / chocolate/lemon.

Favourite Mobile Brand: Nokia

Favourite Name: Zaen

Favourite Hobby: Reading / Music

Favourite Room in my House: My room

Favourite Fruit: Apples

Favourite Flower: dunno flowers names

Favourite Qur'an Reciter: dunno names

Favourite Ayah: Won't type it in English

Favourite Website: Google


I tag, zeepuppet and batates_777 :D ,

Grown Up!

I have the blessing (sometimes the curse) of looking like a little child, and I suspect that's the way it will always be. People easily mistake me for a school girl. Sometimes it gets irritating with people being so shocked when I say that I don't go to school or College and that I work and I've been working for five years.

Today I looked to my image reflected in the mirror all dressed up with the Vogue sunglasses and the styled hair. and all I saw was a young girl, pretending to be a grown up. I've always blamed my good genes , I got it from both side of the family. but today i find it necessary to cast the blame on myself. before demanded to be taken seriously I should take myself more serious. I should stop viewing myself, as a Kid, should stop convincing myself that my life haven't started yet. most importantly should stop thinking along the lines "when I grow up I will ....."
I might Look young but I could easily stop feeling so young.
I know in my heart I will never do. I will die thinking that my life hadn't start yet, thinking that when I grow up I will do .... important stuff.

Obsession

I am an obsessive personality , it's something most people miss about me. Mainly because I hide it. sometimes close people see hints of that , they don't know that everytime I mention/do something and it seems a little bit obsessive to them that I probably thought at least dozen times about talking about/doing it, but stopped myself. what torment me the most is the thoughts they refuse to leave my brain they go back and forth for what seems at times forever. you can never control your thoughts. my obsession had always seemed harmless, if you didn't count the constant headache and always getting lost in thoughts (and looking it).
but lately that idea slowly crept to my mind, what if I lost one of my parents or both of them?
It's a cliche every 5 years old that experience death in the family ask him/herself that question at night before going to sleep. maybe that's why i never tried to stop that though. I simply use to say that I'll manage and it can't help to dwel about it now. they will go when it's there time to , hopefully that won't be for a very Long time.
slowly but steadily this answer started not to be enough, what if I lost them both in the same day? apperantly the odds of that is higher than I've ever imagined. so the fear started to get bigger and bigger till it started to swallow me inside, at first it was sometimes , then more often , then every waking moment now it even haunt me in my dreams, I dream of their death daily, I cry when I am alone. It starting to feel very creepling. as usual NO ONE knows about these fears.
I know that we shouldn't let the fear of death stop us from leaving and I know that people die when it's there time to go, nothing can change that, I know that we as human can cope to death better than we think we can. I know all the cliches and I know that they are cliches becasue most of them are correct. but that can't stop the tears or the nasuea or the fear.
I don't know if being obesseive is the reason , why a normal fear, is turning in to phobia or is it something else. but all I know is that am scared, funny how I don't fear my own death like that.